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朝阳一模情景作文讲评


朝阳一模情景作文 讲评

假设你是红星中学高三一班的学生李华,请根据以下四幅图 的内容,为校刊《英语园地》写一篇题为 “My Special Gift for Grandma” 的英文稿件,介绍你在寒假里用压岁钱 为奶奶购买手机,并教会奶奶使用手机的完整过程。

得分汇总
档次
第一档18-20分

人数
0

百分比

第二档15-17分
第三档12-14分 第四档6-11分 第五档1-5分

4
14 14 0

12.5%
43.8% 43.8%

错误分析
错误类型
要点遗漏或表述 不准确 细节支撑缺乏或 无效 图片之间缺乏连 贯 用词或语法出现 较多错误

人数
4

百分比
12.5%

17

53.1%
21.9% 34.4%

与主题无关
11

7

A composition with only key points but not details

A composition with necessary and reasonable details

A composition with ineffective details

Objectives
At the end of this class, we’ll be able to do: ? distinguish the effective details and ineffective details ? add necessary and reasonable details to enrich the key points

Let’s discuss the following examples of details
Do not pay attention to the errors! Focus only on details!

1. 时间地点,没有交代。
? The gift was a cell phone. I chose a cell phone with big buttons which was easy to use so that my grandma could learn it quickly. ? It was a Friday, I went to the shop with my lucky money. Having asked some types of mobile phones, I bought a black one as the gift to my grandma.

How to improve it?

2. 平铺直叙,情感缺失。
? I taught my grandma as soon as I arrived home. She learned to use it. What surprised me was she could use it soon. At the moment, she began to call my mother to tell her the thing I did. ? Surprised by my present, she thanked my and laughed merrily. Then I taught her how to use the mobile phone to make phone calls. Having known the basic usage, she made a call on her own, and had a pleasant talk with my mother. Seeing her happy face, I was really proud of my choice of using my lucky money.

How to improve it?

3. 铺垫太多,比例失当。
Considering it’s very inconvenient for my grandmother to call us when she was out of home, I decided to buy a mobile phone for her. Came to a mobile phone, there are so many kinds of phones that I can’t decide which one for my grandma. After the introduction for the shop assistant, I decided buy a phone which is easy for the old to use. After back to home, I taught my grandma to use the mobile phone. Sooner, my grandma called her first call on the mobile phone to my mother, and I was really happy about that.

4. 联想过多,偏离主题。
? Having felt the mobile phone’s convenience, grandma chatted with us on the phone every day. As soon as she met with her neighbours, she always praised me that I had grown up. Also, the neighbours said that my grandma has a good grandson. ? Three days later, when I was on the way to my grandma’s house, a neighbour stopped me and told me that my grandma showed her new telephone to everyone she met and all people praised me as a good grandson.

How to improve it?

The rules of adding details
? 与主旨有关----紧扣主旨 ? 与连贯有关----合理想象 ? 与结构有关----详略得当

Task 1

How to add reasonable details?

Time and place On Friday afternoon, I went to a cell phone store and chose a large button phone specially designed for the seniors. Then I went to my Grandma’s home and gave her the gift. Upon receiving the phone, Grandma was very happy and eager to learn how to use it. Ifeelings patiently explained all the important functions. Grandma learned it carefully. In order to have a try, she managed to call my mother which delighted me. That afternoon, Grandma proudly showed the neighbors the new phone I bought her. They all praised me for my thoughtfulness. Reasons and purposes

The contents of details
? Tip 1: time and place ? Tip 2: feelings ? Tip 3: reasons or purposes

细节的丰富要与主旨一致 不是每幅图片都要包括上述每 个细节

Task 2

假设你是红星中学高二(1)班的学生李华,上周你和爸爸去看望 了你们资助了两年的贫困学生小明。下面四幅图描述了事情的全 过程,请根据图片的先后顺序,为校刊“英语园地”写一篇短文。 文章开头已写好。For two years my family has been supporting Xiao Ming, a boy from a poor family.


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